The poem that won't offend anyone

This poem that won't offend people reminds me of the most recent parks and recreation where Tom gave absolutely no input towards Leslie's campaign because he didn't want to have a bad idea or offend anyone. Its a funny episode...you should watch it

Kitty Cat

I don't have a kitty
but kittys are nice
so are dogs
and all animals
i love all animals equally
and humans
some people don't like animals
thats ok, you are still my friend
I love everyone and everything
they are nice
and fun
and cool


this is going to be the start of something great. I'm sorry if I offended you with this poem

How far is too far?

So I ran some of my blog topic ideas across my mom, and she was appalled at how risky and inappropriate they were. Now, when we are talking inappropriate, she means talking about farting and pinewood derby dads. She says that if I write about these topics that it will bite me in the butt later (excuse my inappropriate term) because employers and college board people will find my blog and be appalled at what I write, and then I won't get the offer. I'm not going to swear and rip on people, but without a little bit of risk, the writing isn't very interesting.

So how far is too far?

What are the paramaters that I have to stay between (I know we are supposed to be thinking out of the box), and at what point will colleges and jobs start to become skeptical of your values. Would they be horrified if I wrote about farting, or would they comend me for my boldness and creativity?

My spoon

This is just a draft...I don't want to be failed.


I grab the almost empty rice chex from the top shelf of the pantry.
The unopened box of Cinnamon life is relaying memories of happy times we have had with each other.
No, I can't have you, I'm going gluten free now.
I slide over to the bowls and grab the deep red one.
Just the right size so when you put your spoon in, it can't touch the bottom with all the cereal.
I rattle the refrigerator open and pull out the lactose free milk.
The milk that smells like spoiled eggs.
Oh, thats right, your stomach doesn't work, Briana. You can't have lactose or gluten.
Imagine the dispossibilities.
I pour the funny smelling cereal into my bowl.
But its almost empty
The top of the bowl is replaced by sparkly crumbs that taste like pulp
I hate taking the last bowl of cereal.
So I just put the empty box in the pantry again, waiting for the next victim to be filled with happiness, then have their hungry throats slit.
I pour the milk.
It still smells like poo
Then add a nice mountain of sugar on top
Enough so at the end, when I drag my spoon through the bottom, it picks up a mound of sugar
Finally, I open the silverware drawer
The everyday spoons call at me to pick them to help enjoy my meal
But the real prize is in the back
The back is where all the leftover, non matching, misfit silverware goes.
That's where my spoon lives.
It's rounded of squared spoony part molds perfectly into my mouth
Just flat enough so I barely have to open my mouth
It doesn't polk its nose in my mouth, like the others.
Its soft, and gentle, and can pick up twice as many rice chex.
Its an expert picker upper of sugar, and can pick up the sweet little particles that grip the sides of the bowl, in one giant sweep.
Spoon, you make me kind of even like rice chex



Tomorrow I'm going to write about the pinewood derby. hehehehe

Orwell

So I have the orwell cake as the background for my phone, and am sad that no one knows who he is or the awesomeness that he possesses. People just don't understand. I wish I was among my fellow APers.

Things that remind me of AP comp

There were two things that reminded me of our fun filled days of AP comp today

The first one was I got an email from someone and they signed it with their name like this

(insert her name here) J

I was perplexed by the fact that she added a capital J to her name given that her last name doesn't end in a J. Then my mind shot over to the green sheet that we got about emotacons and how if you are writing an email and add a smiley face, it is shown as a capital J. They said that it would make the person who does it look like an idiot, and it kind of did.

Also, I was listening to the radio and they were replaying the presidential debate. Immediately my mind switched into logical fallacy mode. Newt Gingrich made the comment, "there are 94 languages spoken at" so and so university, "and that is why English needs to be our main language."
Oh, I didn't realize that since a university speaks many languages it means that we should speak one language. Logical Fallacy!
They also threw around the word rhetoric a lot, but I think it was so they could sound smarter.

sad day

So I thought I would be looking forward to this day ever since I walked into class. And although I am happy to be done with the stress, this is probably the saddest I have been to leave. I went home, and curled up in my bed. Then my dad woke me up because I had a phone call and I thought it was friday morning but in reality it was just 9pm Thursday night. I have decided that I will write in this blog every single day, and i will be really sad if no one reads it, which is weird because I never thought I would be this attached to a blog. Also, I figures out how to edit my blog so I can put cool backgrounds and stuff on it. This is why for the next couple days I will have a background of jelly beans (hehe). That moment in class was probably one of the funniest experiences of my life, and now I can never look at jelly the same. Especially since I had a pb and j sandwich for lunch. So although I will be curled up in a corner the next couple of days, at least i will have rhetorical analysis running through my brain

i'm too lazy to come up with a good title for this, or to capitalize it

This post is a reflection of my spazzy mind right now

so, as i reflect on freewriting, i admit that i tend to not have the patience to sit for ten minutes and just write. Usually, when I am not being forced to do some paper or study for some test my brain is fried. I would say like all of Paula Deen's recipes but then my brain being fried would be a good thing. Regardless, its like asking someone who just ran a marathon ( a really fit, good looking, witty and smart someone by the way) to go on a run. I also admit that there were some free writes that i just sat their twirling my fingers (literally). But i would say the most productive day was when I wrote my own language. It's pretty cool, I know

Anybody that watches the bachelor, don't read my last paragraph because i am giving a spoiler alert (yes i watch the bachelor)

This isn't about the bachelor yet but I just want to say how funny the Office and Parks and Rec are. These past two episodes were humorous and I even laughed out loud (I never laugh out loud). In the Office, Erin and Dwight try to flirt to get Andy to be jealous. Also, I just found out that creed's name in the Office is Creed Bratton and thats also his real name! No one else has their exact name on the Office except him, and if you know Creed, you will find it funny. I also just saw a rerun of a past office episode (the one where Jim becomes comanager) and i really miss Steve Carrell being on the office because those days were so funny. Two of my favorite lines were:

In response to corporates option of moving up Michael Scott to a higher posittion: "Oh, gosh. Well, I....will....have to, uh...talk to my mom, and my guy at H and R block."

Michael announcing Jim to a co manager position to the office: "I would like to congratulate Jim as he has been promoted to co manager." (kelly): "What will happen to you, Michael?" Michael: "Well, I have also been promoted to comanager."

hahaha basically the entire show is funny so it would be too hard to write the entire script

Moving on in my jumble of a mind, I would like to comment on the question of the day. I feel very stupid when it comes to questions that deal with politics because i don't really know a ton about the different issues. Needless to say I do sit down and try to understand what is going on in the presidential debates but what they talk about pretty much goes over my head. Thats why I would love if they all added a satirical note to their speeches. I understand and can usually pick out when someone is using satire and it makes everything that much more mind twistingly fun. Or, maybe the election is all one big satirical joke?! Have you ever thought of that? If so then I denounce what I said before about knowing when satire is used. I think that if people use satire, they are able to show that they can think abstractly and show that they are intelligent enough to have an underlying argument, however if they use it in excess they can start to sound rude and like everything is a joke. I choose to see most things as a joke so i wish that satire would be used everywhere in politics, which makes me disagree with the statement that satire is like dessert, Its good in moderation, but not in excess. But I love dessert!

Here comes the spoiler alert.
I would just like to take a moment to rant about how I cant watch the Bachelor anymore because I already know who wins and am extreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemely unhappy and disappointed in Ben. I though he was a good guy but he pick Courtney who is mean and a butt face! She is so full of herself and I can't believe Ben would actually not see that. I predict a breakup, maybe similar to the proportion of Jake and Vienna considering that Courtney is like Vienna in that they are both the bad girls. Ben should have picked Kasey who he left after hometowns. She is absolutely perfect for him, but obviously he doesn't care about happiness.

Also I would just like to be sad for Ali and Roberto for a moment. They were literally literally literally literally perfect for each other. And don't be turned off by all the literallys, I am being serious. I am also grieving over the break up of Brad and Emily. They were so cute together. I'm just glad they didn't have a breakup like Jake and Vienna, but we all knew that that was bound to happen with Vienna.

The race

The first 5 minutes of a run are terrible. You second guess why you decided to lace up your sneakers today, the cold air pinches your cheecks, your thighs scream for a slower pace, and your chest burns of overuse. But then the beat of the song in your ears begins to match the beat you gave to your breath and footwork- three breaths in, left right left, three breaths out of the mouth, right left right. eventually you lose track of where mile 2, 3, and 4 went, and are nearing on mile 8. You start to embrace for the finish, your mind starts to nag  you to go faster, and faster as you hit the much memorized final mile mark. You turn the corner. You see the finish. It's just up the hill. Your legs go at double speed. You remember how amazing that final step is. Before you can walk again. Your legs tickle with agony. Your breath burns your throat and esophagus. Your shoe scrapes your ankle.
But you don't stop.

Then... runners high. Your brain departs from your body and you watch your legs propell forward, yet you don't feel a thing.

Before you know it, your done. 9 miles. done. 

We are in the final sprint of the run. It's going to hurt, its not natural to remember 4 months of information in a week, but you begin to taste the sweet ambrosia that rolls off your tongue when you say you survived AP Comp. Instead of walking the last 400 meters, sprint till you can't feel the pain anymore. Because this will be what you remember most.

How you finished

Service/Hope

An open letter to the woman in my workout class with the expensive outfit

An open letter to the woman in my workout class at lifetime with the expensive outfit,

When I wake up at 7:30 am on a Saturday, I don’t expect to be humiliated and frustrated until I have the brain capacity to think of how I should have dealt with the situation after it actually occurred and if I had the confidence to do so. As much as I love getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep Monday through Friday, I do enjoy staying snuggled in my comforter and temperpedic mattress at least one day out of the weak. The only reason why I subject myself to more sleep deprivation is the self esteem boost I try to give myself by going to Total Conditioning at Lifetime Fitness. It gives me some pleasure to be one of the only teens in the class, able to keep up to the pace of the overly hyped trainer who has just taught back to back to back fitness classes and has muscles radiating from every part of her body, and smiling continually with the satisfaction of making us hurt, while all the other older ladies in the class have to do their pushups on their knees. I don’t like to be shown up. I like to be in the front of the room and everyone thinking, “I wish I had a body like hers.” So I was immediately on edge when I saw you standing in the front of the line, waiting for the other total conditioning class to be let out, with one of Athleta workout outfits with the matching top and skirt. I could feel my blood start to get clogged in my face as I began to despise your suttle-yet-purposeful bragging that you were giving off to every other person waiting in line with the yellow sweat stained shirt that is worn every time. Don’t try to act naïve, I know how much those outfits cost, I see them in the Athleta catalogs my mom drools and fantasizes over. Also, skirts are for tennis, church, and anything but working out. There is only one conclusion to this equation: If you will spend as much money on a workout outfit as I would on 7 months of food, you must think you are VERY fit.

The doors open and the energy drained women crawl out of the other class, and you run in, going straight to the front of the room, then right to the silver weights. The heaviest ones. The ones that the rare guys grab for total conditioning. It’s a difficult class, even I can get tired off of my pink 2 pound weights, I can barely lift the silver weights, and you are ready to do multiple arm curls with them. I now even more am angrier at the fact that you have the same thought process as me: make the other people feel bad about themselves to make yourself feel better. Were you abandoned as a child? Is that why you need people to secretly envy you?

My last hope is the thought that you aren’t actually that fit but rather just think you are more hulk like in your messed up mind. But no. You are much worse. Not only can you lift those 14 pounders even in the speed tricep extensions, you are going FASTER than the trainer and moving your overpriced colorful shoes quicker than she. There is one thing that urks me more than people thinking they aren’t showing off when really they are: brown nosers. And of course, you are sucking up to the trainer as you laugh at all her dry jokes to try to distract us from the pain in our thighs, butt, and arms.

After that dreadful day, I calmed my endorphined brain that I would never have to see you again. I was relieved when I didn’t see you waiting in line the next day. But then I saw you walk over to the treadmill, and immediately start at a pace that I can’t even do at my fastest. And you were wearing the same outfit. The next day. With the same shiny shoes, and 100 dollar headband. Then you come into total conditioning! After everyone just saw you run 3 miles in like 15 minutes. And of course your still have your much loved energy.

I had a feeling I wasn’t going to be seeing the end of you, and as usual, I was right. You show up at every other subsequent class I go to. Even the ones at different times than total conditioning and completely different classes. I assume its because you follow my example and just try to show me up and try to jam my self esteem between your two silver free-weights.

You are just like me. But only I am allowed to make others feel bad with my youthful energy and ability to do 3 exercises in one day. I don’t do well with copycats, so could you please tune your muscular body down a bit?

Sincerely,

Briana